


I Swear To You That We Can Make This Last

by starrywrite



Category: Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: 2009 Phan AU, AU, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Songfic, implied depression, long distance relationship AU, some D/S undertones i think??? idk help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-19 16:12:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1475962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And hey sweetie, well I need you here tonight, and I know that you don’t wanna be leaving me. Yeah, you want it, but I can’t help it. I just feel complete when you’re by my side…" - A Day To Remember, If It Means A Lot To You.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Swear To You That We Can Make This Last

**Author's Note:**

> song fic!! set to the song “If It Means A Lot To You" by A Day To Remember <33 and 2009 phan AU/long distance relationship AU yaaay. ALSO i have to give some cred to my bae Alex this was technicaly co-written her and she helped with a lot of the dialogue/plot and tbh this might not have even written if it weren’t for her, so thank you alex ur the best and i love you a lot <3 ((also u guys should thank her bc originally this was going to be a rly angsty break up fic and now its not lol)). okay so yeah i hope you enjoy this ^_^

Dan’s heart is pounding erratically and not a second goes by that he’s not fixing his hair or staring at the Skype screen before him, chewing anxiously at his bottom lip.

 **me**  
Hello Phil Lester, I'd like to add you as a contact.

What if he changes his mind? What if he doesn’t want to chat anymore? What if the past few weeks of them talking, Dan had actually just been really annoying and couldn’t take a hint, and Phil was too nice to tell him to eff off? 

**Phil Lester**  
9:02 PM  
Contact request accepted

Dan can’t control the smile on his face when he sees his and he all but covers his face with his mouth, a wide smile hiding behind his palms before he tells himself to get it together and with shaky hands he types a message to Phil. 

**me**  
9:02 PM  
hi

 **Phil Lester**  
9:02 PM  
hi :)

 **Phil Lester**  
9:02 PM  
u gonna call me or am i gonna call?

Jesus, this is happening. This is actually happening. Dan’s about to Skype with his favorite YouTuber. (Just for good measure, he pinches his forearm, then curses because it hurt so that must mean this is really happening). He can’t stop his hands from shaking as he types:

 **me**  
9:03 PM  
I can call u

He takes a deep breath and calls Phil, then has to resist the urge to hang up the call because he’s not ready for this. This is _AmazingPhil_ for fuck’s sake. And for some reason, he wants to Skype with _him_. Him of all people - he’s nobody. He’s just Dan.

Dan doesn’t even understand how any of this happened; sure, Phil’s not the most popular on YouTube but he has loads of subscribers and how he managed to pick Dan out of the bunch is still beyond him. Surely, Dan thought he was just annoying the hell out of Phil - at-replying him on Twitter all the time, pointing out all the things they had in common: the movies the two of them had both seen, Muse’s new album which they both enjoyed, etc. And for a few months, at that. Even though he tries to keep it lowkey, Dan really is a huge fan of Phil and his YouTube videos never fail to make his day. 

And now he’s about to chat on Skype with Phil. Because apparently Dan wasn’t as annoying as he thought he was, because Phil messaged him, asking if he wanted to Skype with him and Dan almost had a heart attack. In fact, he’s sure he’s having a heart attack now because he’s ringing Phil and it only takes a few seconds before Phil’s wide smile and bright blue eyes are filling each corner of his laptop screen.

“Hi!” Dan blurts out excitedly, the same time Phil exclaims, “Hi!” and they’re both laughing nervously and Dan’s anxiously tugging at the ends of his hair and Phil’s tongue is poking out through his cute little smile. 

“So,” Phil starts. “This is what you look like off of Dailybooth.” Dan blushes and laughs, and Phil adds, “You look cute by the way - you wore that hat I said I liked.”

Dan blushes some more and subconsciously tugs on his furry hat that he threw on right before he and Phil agreed to Skype, partly because his hair looked like crap and he didn’t want to spend the entire Skype call fiddling with his fringe, but mostly because Phil had told him it was really cute. And what better reason to wear it? “You look cute, too.” Dan mumbles because he’s never really been good at flirting, but apparently, Phil is extremely good at it because he’s spent the past week and a half (not that Dan’s been counting) flirting with him and saying things that make him blush. Seriously, Dan’s never blushed more talking to Phil than he has in his entire life.

Phil’s grinning from ear to ear. “It’s great to finally talk to you - I mean, not just through direct messages on Twitter.” he says. “Your voice doesn’t sound like what I thought it would.” 

“It’s not entirely accurate,” Dan tells him. “I sound nothing like this in real life; this laptop’s microphone makes me sound like some peophile-slash-tramp-slash-polar bear,” 

Phil laughs, “You sound cute.”

Dan rolls his eyes to try and distract Phil from the ever present blush dusting across his cheeks. “Stop calling me cute; I’m not cute.”

“You’re _very_ cute, Howell.” Phil tells him, and he does that thing where he sets his jaw and raises his eyebrows a little, and Dan’s all by dying internally because holy fuck, how can someone be _this_ attractive - and mildly interested in him? 

Truth be told, he doesn’t think this is happening and he’s sure that the past few months have just been a dream.

“You’re cuter.” Dan tells him, then adds, “This is so weird, I feel like I’m watching my own personal AmazingPhil video.”

Phil chuckles. “Yeah, except you get to see all the behind the scenes stuff when I forget how to talk and say ‘um’ every ten seconds.”

“I feel so honored,” Dan smiles shyly, and Phil points out how cute his smile is and Dan tells him to “fuck off” and Phil laughs and that’s just the start of their first of many Skype calls.

And before either of them know it, it’s two in the morning and they’ve been talking for three hours straight, and Phil is smiling sleepily at Dan even though Dan keeps telling him to go to bed, and Phil just replies, “No, I want to keep talking to you.” 

As Phil’s beginning to actually doze off, he says softly to Dan, “I think I like you, Dan Howell.”

Dan smiles and says in reply, “I think I like you too.” except he doesn’t think; he knows he likes Phil. A lot. 

And that’s just the beginning because Dan and Phil don’t stop talking after that, and before either of them know it, nighttime Skype calls become a daily thing and Phil’s name gets a little heart next to it in his phone. And Dan thinks he’s falling in love with Phil, and he thinks Phil is falling in love with him, and everything is kind of perfect. Except Dan lives in Wokingham and Phil lives in Manchester, and neither of them can drive and aside from YouTube, Phil isn’t working and Dan just got laid off from his weekend job, and how did this happen? How did Dan manage to fall in love with someone who lives almost four hours away from him that he can’t see?

As much as he loves Phil, and as happy as Phil makes him, Dan’s mostly sad because Phil’s in Manchester and he’s in Wokingham, and Dan starts to wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone.

It’s not easy, that’s for sure; it’s not that they fight or argue, it’s mostly that they’re both sad because they both like each other so much and they can’t be together. And it hurts Dan’s heart when Phil tells him, “I miss you.” and Dan has to remind him, “We’ve never met.” and then Phil just replies. “I know… but I still miss you.” and Dan can’t deny that he misses Phil too. 

It’s not easy, but Phil tells him night after night that it’s worth it, because one day, they’re going to be together. “We can make it last,” he tells him, and Dan trusts Phil. Because Phil’s right and Dan is determined to be with Phil, actually and properly be with him, and this all would’ve been worth it. 

_And hey darling,_  
 _I hope you're good tonight._  
 _And I know you don't feel right when I'm leaving._  
 _Yeah, I want it but no, I don't need it._  
 _Tell me something sweet to get me by,_

It’s been a year, and Phil is Dan’s boyfriend, and they’ve met in real life once already and it was the best couple of days of Dan’s life, no doubt about it. He’s never going to forget seeing Phil at the train station, running up to him and hugging him so tightly, feeling his boyfriend’s arms around him for the first time, finally being able to kiss him. He had stayed at Phil’s house and his parents weren’t home, so he had his boyfriend all to himself for the entire weekend, and it was incredible. Then they got together again around Christmas time, and Dan wore his hat, and they looked at the stars, and Phil wrote “I heart Dan” in the snow, and Dan was sure that he was falling in love with Phil Lester.

But as many good times as they’ve had and as in love with Phil as Dan is, it doesn’t take away from the fact that they still rarely get to see each other, and it’s terrible. Especially now when Phil tells Dan he misses him, Dan doesn’t get to point out that they haven’t met before; they have, and it just hurts even more. He’s gotten a taste of what it’s like to actually be with his boyfriend, to hold his hand, to kiss him, to snuggle with him under the covers while they watch movies - he wants that all the time. Why can’t he have that all the time? Why does Phil have to live in Manchester?

And that’s when Dan gets his brilliant idea. 

Dan has to start applying to universities, and he’s a nervous wreck because he’s “not cut out for uni” - he bunks off too much and doesn’t do his homework because he really doesn’t give a shit about maths and yeah, he’s kind of smart, but he mostly procrastinates a lot and it’s not going to do him any good once he’s in uni, and fuck, he’s just so scared. And he calls Phil late at night freaking out because he can’t do it and he’s going to fail and waste his parents money and then they’re going to hate him and he’s not going to get a decent job because he’s too stupid and his entire life is ending before it’s even started. 

Phil listens while he gets a bit hysterical, letting him vent and cry about his fears and worries, then takes it upon himself to calm him down; he reminds him that he’s going to do just fine, and tells him about his first year at uni and how it was hard but he made it out okay. And Phil talks to him until Dan isn’t hyperventilating anymore, and tells him that he’s not annoying him and he loves him so, so much, and Dan just wants to cry because this is why he loves Phil so much. He wants to cry because Phil is perfect and the greatest thing that ever happened to his life, and he wants to cry because it’s not fair that they live so far away from each other, and he wants to cry because it’s not fair that it would take two days and nine hours to walk from Wokingham to Manchester, and he wants to cry because he just loves Phil so fucking much, and he just wants to be _with_ \- physically with him - more than anything. 

In theory Dan has the the perfect idea; Phil lives in Manchester and if Dan gets accepted to Manchester University, then he’d be able to see Phil all the time. And that’s all it takes to get him to apply there first thing in the morning. 

Dan smiles whenever he thinks about it; being able to see Phil whenever he wanted, spending weekends at his flat, Phil coming to visit him at his dorm. What could be more perfect? 

Call him cocky, but Dan is all too sure that he’s going to get accepted to Manchester. Or maybe it’s just a lot of wishful thinking. But either way, he _has_ to get accepted. Granted, it’s not the only school he’s applied to, but it’s the only one that matters. 

He gets home from school one day, and his house is empty and there’s a pile of mail on the kitchen counter. On the top of the pile is an envelope addressed to him from Manchester University, and Dan wants to throw up. This is it; he’s finally got an acceptance letter! He doesn’t hesitate to tear it open, hands shaking with anticipation as he fishes out the letter.

_Dear Mr. Howell,_

_We regret to inform you_

Dan stops reading. Acceptance letters aren’t supposed to begin with regret. He didn’t get in. 

He stares at the piece of paper until his vision blurs, hoping that somehow the letter will somehow change, that the words will merge together and change into _Congrats Dan, you’re in!_ but it doesn’t, and then he rereads the entire thing twice, hoping that maybe he missed something and he really did get in. But he didn’t. He hadn’t gotten accepted. 

He disregards the letter immediately, throwing it in the trash because he doesn’t want to look at it and he doesn’t want anyone else to look at it, and he heads to his room, sinking down onto his bed and burying his face in his pillow. He didn’t get in - but he was so sure he was going to get in, how did he not get in? A moment later he realizes that he’s begun to cry, and god does he feel like an idiot. Rolling over onto his back, he reaches in his pocket for his cell phone and without a second thought, he texts Phil. His hands are shaking as he types, _i didn’t get in_ , and when he presses send, he wipes his tear stained cheeks. He hasn’t felt this shitty in so long but he knows that Phil will make him feel better; he always does.

Phil texts back, _skype now_ immediately, and Dan doesn’t bother replying; instead he just opens his laptop and logs into Skype. It only takes a few seconds for Phil to ring him and he answers the call immediately. Phil’s face is on his laptop screen in seconds, his eyes wide with worry when he sees the look on Dan’s face. “What happened, love?” he asks. 

Dan sniffles, bringing his hands up to his face and pressing his palms into his eyes and tells Phil, “I didn’t get into Manchester.” he pauses for a moment, pleading with himself not to start crying because he doesn’t want to cry in front of Phil. “I - I don’t know why, I thought I was definitely going to get in, Phil.” and that’s the worst thing about all of this; aside from the fact that he mostly wanted to go to Manchester because of Phil, he really did thing he was going to get in. His grades weren’t terrible and while he wasn’t the best student, he wasn’t the absolute worst and he was so sure that Manchester would’ve accepted him. How - why didn’t they want him?

“Oh, Dan,” Phil says sympathetically, because he knows how badly he wanted to go here. “It’s okay. Manchester isn’t the only school you applied to.”

Phil doesn’t get it. “But I wanted to go _there_.” Dan tells him, and he’s all but whining right now but he doesn’t care. He’s upset. A single tear makes its way down his face and he quickly wipes it away. He may be upset, but he doesn’t want to be _that_ upset. Fuck. 

“I know, baby, but it’s not the end of the world.” Phil’s heart is broken; he’s never seen Dan this upset before. “There are other schools,” he tells him, trying to lift his spirits. “And who knows, you might end up liking the one you decide to attend.”

“But - but Manchester is just so close to you and I…” Dan stops himself, because saying it aloud makes him realize how stupid he sounds - not to mention embarrassed because Phil wasn’t aware that he was going to Manchester University because he wanted to be closer to him.

“Dan,” Phil starts slowly, then pauses and Dan’s heart is pounding hard in his chest. “Dan, you can’t just go to a school to be closer to me.” he finally says.

Dan hesitates. “But… I thought you wanted us to be together.” he says meekly.

“I do!” Phil replies instantly. “Of course, I do! But I just want you to go to a school for more reasons than just because it’s close to me.”

Dan sighs. He kind of expected Phil to be all for the idea of him going to Manchester to be closer to him. And what’s not to love about the idea? He could go to Phil’s flat on the weekends and spend more time with him, instead of what they have now - Skype calls and texts and seeing each other once every two months because train tickets are expensive and Dan doesn’t have a job. Not that Dan doesn’t love what they have, because he does and he loves Phil, but he wants things to be different - he wants to be closer to Phil. “Well,” he says, wiping his eyes again. “You don’t have to worry about that; I didn’t get into Manchester so I doubt I’m getting in anywhere else.”

“Don’t think like that.” Phil tells him.

“Why not?” Dan replies immediately. “I’m stupid.” he says and yeah, he’s sulking a lot right now, but it’s true. 

“Don’t call yourself that.” Phil says sternly. “You’re not stupid.”

“I am so,” Dan insists, and he wipes his eyes again - fuck, why’d he have to be so emotional? Why can’t he just not give a fuck? Why does he have to cry on Skype in front of his boyfriend, nevertheless. “I was so sure I’d get into Manchester, and I didn’t, and I’m probably not getting accepted anywhere else.”

“Dan,” Phil says gently. “It’s not like you’ve applied to Oxford. You’ve got decent grades and there’s no way that all of the schools you’ve applied to don’t want you. Worst case scenario, you go to your second choice and you can transfer to Manchester okay?”

Dan sniffles. “Yeah, yeah, I guess you’re right.” he pauses for a second before he says softly, “No matter where I go though, I’m still going to be so far away from you.”

Phil frowns. “I know. But we can still see each other!” he says brightly, clearly trying to cheer Dan up and make him realize that this isn’t completely terrible. “I have a car, okay? I’ll drive to visit you in your dorm all the time, and you can still take the train to see me. We can make this work, okay?”

Dan nods, not saying anything. It’s not the same; going to Manchester would’ve made things so easy - he would’ve been able to see Phil whenever he wanted, and after the past year of only being able to see him through a computer screen, all he wants is to _be_ with Phil. Physically. He wants to hold him and be held by him and kiss him and be kissed by him. It’s not fair, none of it’s fair. Why’d he have to love someone who lives so far away from him? 

He doesn’t say any of this to Phil though. He doesn’t want Phil to think he’s being clingy - which he kind of is, but he can’t help it; he just loves Phil so much. Is that so wrong? He wants to be with him and now he can’t, and it sucks. Everything sucks. 

He’s going to annoy Phil though if he keeps this up, he’s sure of it. It doesn’t take much for him to ruin everything, he’s kind of an expert at that. And he doesn’t want to ruin anything he and Phil has so he keeps his mouth shut and he’s just going to try and learn to deal. He went through an entire year of not being with Phil; surely he can last a few more months. Right? 

_And hey sweetie,_  
 _Well I need you here tonight,_  
 _And I know that you don't wanna be leaving me_  
 _Yeah, you want it, but I can't help it._  
 _I just feel complete when you're by my side_

The fall rolls around, and Dan’s moving into the dorm room of a university that actually accepted him to study law - not his first choice school (or major honestly) but he’s at a stage in his life where he can’t afford to be picky; plus, Phil’s really happy for him for getting accepted, as are his parents (Phil even came down to Wokingham for a little “Congratulations Dan!” party and sleepover), so it’s kind of hard for Dan to be sour about the whole thing. Sure, he really doesn’t want to go to this particular university, but Phil keeps telling him that he may end up loving it here. And he tries to, he really does. But the first month is just so hard.

Dan doesn’t really have any friends; he kind of sucks at basic human communication and he’s just generally really awkward and a little shy around new people, so he’s not exactly waltzing up to his classmates and asking if they want to head down to the pub after class. So Dan spends most of his evenings alone, where he probably should be studying, but he hates law so much and he really regrets making his his major because it’s absolutely nothing he’s interested in at all. All his classmates talk about becoming hot shot lawyers one day, but Dan doesn’t want that, so that’s another thing that puts him on the outside looking in because he and his classmates have nothing in common.

A few more months into the school year, and Dan can barely get out of bed most mornings. Not because he’s tired or lazy; he just doesn’t have the energy or the motivation or the will to do anything. And he misses Phil. God, does he miss Phil. Phil is his only friend, and he’s so far away. It’s like when they first got together and Dan hates it. It’s been over a year, he should be able to physically be with his boyfriend right now. 

Phil tries to come down to his school as much as he can (since Dan doesn’t have a roommate, he’s able to sleep over), but it’s still not enough, and Dan isn’t sure how much longer he’s going to last. He misses his boyfriend, and he hates his school, and he hates his major, and he has no friends, and he’s just… he feels so empty. 

Dan’s used to this feeling, he recognizes it the second it starts creeping up on him, and it doesn’t take long before he has a full on breakdown in his dorm room, crying into his pillow for hours and ignoring his phone until he finally falls asleep. And the cycle repeats itself until Dan finds himself completely miserable and hating everything and wondering what’s the point of him even existing, and fuck, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

Phil catches on quickly, but it takes him nearly half the school year to get Dan to tell him the problem. Finally, one day, when Phil rings him after class and asks him about his day, and Dan nearly starts crying, Phil decides that enough is enough and he needs to know what’s going on with him - a conversation Dan is not prepared to have. 

“Bear,” Phil sighs, and Dan alternates his phone from ear to ear, rolling over to lie on his stomach and bunch his pillow underneath his body, hugging it tightly. “Tell me what’s wrong.” Phil tells him, and Dan can hear the worry in his voice and it makes him feel terrible because he doesn’t want Phil worrying about him. “I’m so worried about you.”

Brilliant. Dan sighs softly, and he tries to think about something to tell him, something that’ll get Phil not to worry about him or wonder if he’s okay, but he starts thinking about how shitty everything’s been lately, and he feels the dam break and tears start rolling down his cheeks. “I hate school,” he chokes out, and everything comes pouring out. “I hate school and I hate law and I don’t want to be here anymore.”

“Oh, baby,” Phil says sadly, and Dan has to choke back a sob, burying his face into his pillow. “You’re just having a bad week. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of things in no time.”

Dan sniffles, “No, Phil, you don’t understand,” he takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down but he’s already so worked up and upset that there’s no hope for him. “I - it’s been like this for _weeks_. I feel like I’m wasting my time here and I’m not happy. Everything here is just terrible, and I’m so depressed and I - I don’t want to be here.” he’s crying now, hard, and he can’t stop and he hates crying and he hates crying in front of Phil, but he can’t stop. He’s been so miserable for weeks now and he’s been waiting for it to get better, but it hasn’t and he just thinks it’s only going to get worse from here on out. And that terrifies him because he can’t go through four years of this - he just can’t. He can’t he can’t he can’t -

“Dan,” Phil’s voice brings him back to reality. “Dan, just calm down okay?” he can hear his boyfriend vaguely over the sound of his near hysterical cries and fuck, why is he such a panicky, anxious little shit? And how does Phil put up with him? “Just breathe, I need you to breathe. Can you do that for me? Please?” Dan nods even though Phil can’t see him, and he takes a deep breath in through his nose, holds it for a second, then exhales through his mouth slowly - Phil taught him that because Dan’s kind of fucked up and he tends to freak out easily, but Phil’s always really patient with him (even though he doesn’t really understand why) and helps him calm down. “It’s okay, it’s going to be okay,” Phil says to him. “We’ll see each other this weekend and we’ll talk. Can you hang on until then?”

Dan sniffles again. “Okay,” he says in a small voice, wiping his eyes. 

“I love you,” Phil tells him. “I love you so much, you know that right?” 

“I love you too.” Dan tells him, and Phil stays on the phone with him until Dan falls into an uneasy sleep. It’s just a few more days until he’s going to Phil’s flat for the weekend, he can last until then.

He thinks.

_You know you can't give me what I need._  
 _And even though you mean so much to me,_  
 _I can't wait through everything,_  
 _Is this really happening?_

The rest of the week goes by uneventfully, and Dan does everything he can to keep his mind off of how much everything sucks and instead just focus on how he’s _finally_ going to see Phil. When Friday finally does roll around, Dan finds himself in the best mood he’s been in since the school year started, but it’s still not enough to keep him smiling and happy because he knows when the weekend ends, he’ll be back at school and back to feeling terrible, and he can’t hold back the wave of tears when he finally does see Phil for the first time in… he’s actually lost track of how long it’s been since he’s seen Phil. And when he rushes into Phil’s apartment and hugs him, it’s all it takes for him to start crying; tears of joy because he’s so happy to see Phil, but also tears of sadness because he doesn’t want to leave him again. Phil doesn’t question it, though; Phil’s smart, he knows Dan isn’t okay, and he lets him cry to his heart’s content and holds him while he does, and Dan never wants him to let go. 

Phil rests his head atop of Dan’s, letting the younger boy press his face into his collarbone and hugs him tightly. “What can I do?” he asks softly, because he’s never seen Dan so upset before - sure he’s seen him upset; Dan’s always stressed and always anxious about one thing or another, so he was used to him being worked up, but never like this. And it hurts his heart because he hates it when Dan’s upset; Dan deserves all the happiness in the world. 

“I don’t know.” Dan whimpers against his skin. “Tell me what to do, you’re older and smarter.”

Phil bites his lip. “I can’t just… tell you what to do.” he says quietly, stroking Dan’s hair gently, his other hand against his back, holding him close. “Just - just tell me what'll make you happy.” he tells him. 

Dan hesitates for a second. “Being with you makes me happy.” he says in a small voice. 

A smile tugs at Phil’s lips, and he kisses the side of Dan’s head. Being with Dan makes him so happy too, happier than anyone else has ever made him. And it kind of scares him how much he loves and cares about Dan, because he’s never felt this strongly about someone before. But he’s glad it’s Dan. “Well, we’re together now,” Phil tells him, trying to sound cheerful about it, despite Dan’s tears. “And we’ve got the whole weekend together.”

“But,” Dan hesitates again. “Then I have to leave,” he pauses. “And I don’t want to.”

Phil’s smile falls. So _that’s_ what this is about - or at least some of it. Dan misses him. It’s got to be hard for Dan being at uni by himself; he doesn’t have a lot of friends - if he does, he never mentions them to Phil - so Phil can only imagine how lonely he probably feels. And feeling lonely, on top of being stressed about uni work and probably homesick, it can’t be easy for him right now. Phil remembers his first year at uni and sharing a dorm with strangers and missing his family and friends and being stressed to the point of tears - it wasn’t easy. He didn’t hate it, but it wasn’t easy and not always the most enjoyable experience at first, but he adapted. And he knows Dan will adapt too. It won’t be easy, but he knows he can do it. 

“We can talk on the phone though,” he tells him. “And Skype a lot. It’ll be alright.” he kisses Dan’s head and cuddles him tightly saying, “You’re smart. I know you can make it through the rest of the term.”

“No, I can’t Phil.” Dan insists shaking his head. “I - I hate law and I don’t know why I took it and I don’t even know why I went to uni in the first place! I don’t belong there and when I think about spending the next three years at uni, I want to throw up. I’m wasting my life there and I hate it! I don’t want to do it!” 

“Okay, okay, just calm down,” Phil tells him, kissing his head again. “We’re going to figure this out, okay?” Dan sniffles and clings to him tighter, and Phil feels terrible. He just wants to make him feel better. “How about changing your major?” he suggests.

Dan shakes his head again. “No, it - it’s not just my major, Phil. I hate school. I hate my school and I hate the people there and I hate the professors and I hate the work and I hate everything. Every time I’m there, I just feel sick - I feel like throwing up. I can’t do it - I can’t do _anything_.” 

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, bear,” Phil says to him softly. He wonders if Dan can feel how hard and fast his heart is pounding right now because he’s sure he’s about as upset as Dan is right now. He hates that Dan is so unhappy, especially when all he wants is Dan to be happy. “Maybe…” he hesitates for a second, debating on whether or not he should say this. Because he _is_ older than Dan, and Dan does look up to him; he’s sure that Dan is going to take whatever advice he gives him and just roll with it. He can’t afford to fuck up now. “Maybe you should talk to your parents about dropping out.” he finally says. 

Dan’s gone silent and Phil waits patiently before he hesitantly nods in agreement. “I don’t - I can’t keep doing it anymore.” he says quietly, then sniffles. “I want to do YouTube like you.” he admits, almost embarrassedly, and Phil smiles.

“You definitely can!” he tells him excitedly, breaking their hug to thumb away Dan’s tears. “You’d be so great at it, and I’ll get to see you every time you upload!” he’s grinning from ear to ear because it’s never enough just seeing Dan over Skype or via pictures that they send to each other through text - seeing Dan on YouTube would be like seeing a new side of him. And he’d definitely get to see his smile more often this way. 

Dan chews on his bottom lip for a second. “D - … do you think we could, maybe, like, move in together?” he asks shyly, shifting from foot to foot anxiously. “I - I mean, only if you want to - I’ll understand if you don’t-”

“Of course!” Phil cuts in immediately, smiling wider than before. And slowly Dan’s lips curl into a smile as well, and Phil pulls him in for a kiss. How amazing would it be? He had been a bit lonely living in his flat by himself for a while now, and having Dan live with him would be fantastic, a dream come true. He can see it now: him and Dan living together, waking up together, eating dinner together, filming videos together -

Phil freezes when he’s struck with a sudden thought, a slightly terrifying one. While Dan living with him would be amazing, is he really ready for a roommate? All he has is YouTube as his income and, yeah, he makes enough, but it’s just enough to get by. There is a reason why whenever he and Dan get together, they just have a cozy night in and watch movies, after all. Rent isn’t cheap, and neither are groceries or his other plethora of bills, and he knows Dan would be willing to help him out, but he’s not going to be making that much money for a while. And Phil isn’t sure if he can support the two of them all by himself. 

“I really, really want you to move in, okay?” he tells him, slowly, knowing this conversation isn’t going to have a good ending. “But… we just need to… not right away, okay?” he blurts out and Dan’s face just falls completely and Phil feels terrible. “I - in a few months, okay?” he says hurriedly. “I just don’t have enough money to support the both of us right now - please, don’t be upset, Dan.” he says sadly. 

“Okay.” is all Dan says, and if Phil didn’t feel terrible before, he definitely does now.

Phil reaches out and runs his fingers through Dan’s hair. “You know I want to be with you Dan.” he says softly. “...You - you do know that, right?” 

Dan nods, not meeting Phil’s eyes.

“Dan, c’mon.” he pleads with him. “You know I love and you know I’ve wanted to be with you for the past year. It’s just bad timing right now.” he wants Dan to understand this; he doesn’t want Dan to think that he doesn’t want to be with him - he does. He just knows that it’s just not going to work out if Dan drops everything and moves in with him right now. He needs time, they both need time.

“Maybe I should just stay at uni then.” Dan says quietly, stepping away from Phil.

Phil raises an eyebrow, trying to mask the hurt he’s feeling. “Why would you stay at uni if you hate it there so much?”

Dan fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “Because if I go back home, I’ll be even farther from you.” he says quietly. 

Phil tenses a little, his heart starting to beat a little faster again. He’s never been in a situation like this before. “Dan, you - you can’t just base your entire life around me.”

“Why?” Dan sounds genuinely confused. “You make me happy, I thought I made you happy too.”

“Of course you do!” Phil replies immediately, placing his hands on Dan’s shoulders, looking at the younger boy. “Dan, you make me so happy, but… look, I know being apart so often isn’t easy, but we’ll be together when it’s right. You can’t make yourself suffer through uni just so you can be closer to me.”

“Either way, I’m going to suffer.” Dan tells him. “If I go home, my parents are going to be so disappointed in me and all of my friends are going to think I’m a loser.”

“Your parents would understand and who cares what your friends think?” Phil replies. “You need to put yourself first and do what makes you happy.”

“I told you what makes me happy, you’re not listening.” Dan told him. 

Phil sighs, recoiling one of his hands to run his fingers through his hair. He has no idea how to deal with this - he’s never had someone treat him like he was their whole world, like their entire life centered around him. And he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. “Dan, I love you,” he says to him. “And I want to do everything I can to make you happy, but I don’t think you should make me the center of your existence.” 

“Okay.” Dan says shortly.

Phil sighs. “Don’t be mad at me.” 

“I’m not.”

“Dan, I know you,” because Phil does; Dan’s not just his boyfriend, he’s his best friend and he knows him better than he knows himself most of the time. “And I know you aren’t exactly pleased with me right now.”

“Drop it.” Dan says tersely. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, I want to talk about it.” Phil insists.

“I don’t, okay!” Dan snaps, and Phil blinks in surprise. “If you don’t drop it, I’ll just go back to school right now.”

“Dan please just tell me what I did wrong.” Phil pleads with him, because he doesn’t want Dan to be angry - especially with him. “What - what do you even want me to say? Do you want me to tell you to drop out of school just so you can live with me? Do you want me to tell you to make every single decision in your life based on me? What do you _want_?”

Dan exhales through his nose, arms crossed across his chest and his usual fifty foot wall built up around him that Phil spent two years trying to break down. “At this point, all I want is for you to take me back to my dorm.” he says.

Phil just sighs in defeat. There’s no getting through to Dan when he’s like this - boy’s as stubborn as they come, and Phil can never get him to talk about something he doesn’t want to talk about. “Fine.” he says simply. “I’ll call you a cab.” 

Dan doesn’t say anything in reply, and a few minutes later, his weekend visit to Phil’s is over and he’s on his way back to his dorm. And all throughout the taxi ride home, Dan starts to wonder if Phil was right, if they really can make this last… 

_I swear I'll never be happy again._  
 _And don't you dare say we can just be friends._  
 _I'm not some boy that you can sway._  
 _We knew it'd happen eventually._

A few weeks go by, and Dan and Phil have barely spoken since their fight. It’s not that Phil hasn’t tried to talk to Dan though; he texts him every so often, checking up on him and asking how he’s doing, but Dan’s just short with him and barely gives him a response, and ultimately, Phil gives up. And it hurts, because Dan’s not even going to try to salvage their relationship. 

It doesn’t make sense to him; Dan said he loved him, but now he’s just not even trying to make sure they stay. And it’s not that Phil wants to break up with him, he wasn’t kidding when he told Dan that he loved him and wanted to be with him, but if Dan doesn’t care about them anymore, how can he? 

The only way Phil gets to see Dan is through YouTube, because Dan starts uploading videos and of course, Phil’s subscribes to him and the second he sees that Dan’s uploaded something, he stops whatever he’s doing to watch him, and for three minutes, he gets to see his boyfriend and hear his voice, and it makes him happy. But then it makes him sad, because he misses Dan so much. But fuck, if Dan isn’t the most stubborn person Phil’s ever met, and it’s not easy to get him to realize that he’s wrong. Because he is wrong; why is he mad at Phil? Because he knows that neither of them can afford to live together right now? Because he wants Dan to be in charge of his own life and realize that he doesn’t need _him_ to be happy? Because he wants Dan to realize he’s worth more than he acts like he is? 

Phil loves Dan, and he always thought that their relationship would last despite the long distance… but maybe he was wrong. Maybe he and Dan just aren’t meant to be. 

Another morning rolls around, and Phil checks his phone for messages from Dan, and as usual, there aren’t any, but there is a missed call from… the hospital? Confused, Phil calls, curious as to why the hospital would be calling him of all people, and when a receptionist tells him that Dan’s in the hospital, his heart nearly stops. Apparently, Dan listed Phil as his emergency contact and they called to tell him that Dan needs surgery, and the receptionist barely finishes her sentence before Phil’s got his shoes on and he’s running out of his apartment, hailing a cab to take him to the hospital immediately. Why is Dan in the hospital? Is he okay, did something happen, is he sick, did someone hurt him? His mind is reeling, thoughts coming in and out at a mile a minute, and he’s panicking. He really hopes Dan okay. Heaven forbid Dan isn’t okay, he doesn’t want his last memory Dan to have of him to be of their fight.

The seconds he arrives at the hospital, he demands Dan’s room number, then runs to him, getting lost along the way but he finally finds Dan’s hospital room and he bursts inside, all but scaring Dan as he does so, because the younger boy flinches, then winces when his hospital door bangs against the back wall. 

“Phil?” 

“What happened?” Phil asks, all but gasping for breath because holy shit, he hasn’t ran this much in years - never had a reason to honestly. But Dan is worth the kind of heart failure he’s experiencing right now. “Are you okay?” 

“I - I don’t know what happened,” Dan tells him and Phil takes a seat on the edge of his hospital bed. “My stomach started hurting really bad and now they’re saying I have to have surgery-”

“Why didn’t you call me?” Phil asks him, reaching out to brush Dan’s too-long hair out of his eyes (he really needs a haircut), and he cups his cheek in his hand. “God, Dan, do you know how worried I’ve been? Do you know how terrifying it was to get a phone call from the _hospital_ -”

“I’m sorry.” Dan interrupts him in a small voice, and Phil takes a deep breath because he may be a little angry with Dan right now, but he shouldn’t yell at him; he’s already in the hospital, after all. “Really, I am sorry, Phil.”

Phil sighs a little and asks again, “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I…” Dan’s lower lip trembles a little. “I thought you hated me.”

Phil’s eyes widen. “Why - why would you think that?” 

“Because I fought with you,” Dan replies softly. “And because I’m clingy and annoying.”

“Dan, I don’t care if we had a stupid fight,” Phil tells him sincerely, looking him in the eye. “I’m not going to stop loving you just because we had a fight.”

A tear rolls down his cheek, and Phil can’t help but to pull him into a hug. Dan presses his face into his collarbone, and Phil almost wants to tell him _welcome home_. “But I’m so clingy and annoying-”

“Stop it,” Phil interrupts gently. “Stop, okay? I don’t think you’re clingy and I don’t think you’re annoying. You’re my boyfriend and I love you no matter what.”

“I love you too.” Dan says quietly. “I’m sorry.” 

Phil shushes him again and breaks their hug to press his lips to Dan’s, holding him close and pressing their foreheads together, telling him, “I’m gonna stay here with you until you’re better,” he hesitates slightly, then adds, “And if you want, when you get discharged you can come stay at my places for a few days.”

Dan’s lips curl into a smile. “Yes, please.” and Phil chuckles a little, because Dan is so cute and he kisses him again - just because. “I, uh,” Dan licks his lips nervously. “I already sent in the forms and stuff to drop out.” he tells him.

“Good for you baby,” Phil smiles, musing his hair back.

“Yeah, I talked to my mum about it and she was okay with it,” Dan tells him, not meeting Phil’s eyes for a moment. “I - she asked me about coming back home.” is all he says for a moment, and the two of them are silent for a moment.

“Look,” Phil starts. “I still don’t know how I feel about me being… so important to you, but I guess that’s because I’ve never been _this_ important to someone before and I didn’t know how to handle it. But I really want you to be happy, and I want to do whatever I can to make sure you’re happy.”

Dan’s eyes widen. “Does - does that mean -”

“If you’re still looking for a roommate, I’m your guy,” Phil tells him and he’s sure that if Dan wasn’t in so much pain, he’d leap into his arms. Instead, the younger boy pulls him into a tight hug and kisses him happily. 

“We can look at really cheap apartments,” Dan tells him. “I’ve been making more money from YouTube lately and I’ve saved everything, and I’ll get a job if I need to - I’ll get two jobs.” Phil chuckles at Dan’s overeagerness. “I promise, I’ll be the best roommate ever, Phil”

“Well, I’m sure that’ll be easy; you’re already the best boyfriend ever.” Phil tells him.

Dan blushes. “You’re so lame,” he tells him. “But I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“No, really. Like,” Dan sighs a little. “I know I’m not the easiest person to be with, and after our fight, I realized I was a bit… intense before. And I’m sorry if I scared you or anything, I just…” Dan blushes again. “I just really love you. And I just really want to be with you.”

Phil smiles at him. “Bear, I want to be with you for as long as I can.” he says, taking Dan’s hands in his and telling him, “I told you, we could make this last.” and Dan rolls his eyes, because what a cheesy thing to say, but he presses his lips to Phil’s once again, because he was right.

_If you can wait till I get home  
Then I swear we can make this last_


End file.
